Get Help from Meankitty
Meankitty loves to answer her fans' emails and give hints and advice on dealing with your own meankitties! Send a letter to: badadvice at meankitty.com. Please note that Meankitty's human typing slave does not take any responsibility for any advice given out by the cat or what the cat chooses to do with emails that cross her path. If you want to be notified when new helpful hints or nutty emails get added, join the Meankitty Mailing List at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/meankitty/. For other Meankitty commentary, vist her blog at http://meankittybox.blogspot.com
(Disclaimer: Neither Meankitty nor her slave is a vet. If you are expecting these responses to be vet-quality or even consistently polite, well, you've been warned.)
Note: If you've never been here before, for best results, read from the bottom up to get a certain "narrative" effect.
Most recent advice from Meankitty added on: 09/14/07
Dear Meankitty,
My kitten is five months old and whenever he uses the litter box, he does not
cover up his poop. He simply scratches around the sides of the litter box
leaving the poop completely exposed. Then he just walks out. What is wrong with
my kitten and how can I help him?
Sincerely,
Frustrated Owner
***
Dear FO,
Nothing is wrong with your kitten! He thinks his poo smells like roses and wants
to share it with you.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Is there a reason why my cat chooses to attack my arm or face while I am
sleeping? I won't be moving and all of a sudden she jumps on the bed and attacks
my arm and face and I wind up with bad punctures on my arms, thankfully not on
my face. Then she just runs under the bed. Other than this, she's a good
cat...but it seems to happen once every few days and I'm scared she will try
this on the upcoming baby! What do I do?
Signed,
Gelibeanr
***
Dear Gelibeanr,
It's because you're a sitting duck and duck tastes gooooood. Mmmm, duck.
Sincerely,
MK
PS: No advice on how to integrate cats & babies until the twain actually meet.
Big D and I are exceptionally well-mannered with the small slaves. The food/door
opening slave is usually subject to much more "loving attention" than a baby.
Dear Meankitty,
I'm a gonna get into that house and GET you!
Signed,
Back Porch Vampire Kitty (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmsuwK_UMLU)
***
Dear Vampire Kitty,
How many times do I have to tell you -- you're not a vampire, you're Caspar the Dumbly Ghost? Can't you even get your fake movie matinee creatures straight? I have been wondering if maybe you're the ghost of Morris, because we haven't seen him around in such a long time. Come on, fess up!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Crafty Slave
***
Dear Crafty,
It all depends. What color is your cat? Choose a contrasting fabric so the hair will show up better. Fuzzy fabrics are also greatly appreciated, like the fuzzy blanket D likes to, um, "embrace" whenever he can't get is paws on me. Yeah, I know, he's supposed to be fixed, but I'm so sleek and cute I think I reinvigorate the most snipped of toms. At least, that's been my experience. But back to this throne. Contrasting fuzzy fabric. Right.
Also, if you're making a kitty throne because you want the kitty off your bed, it won't work. Beds is beds.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Can you link to my site http://www.ugly-cat.com? It's new.
Sincerely,
Mike
***
Dear Mike,
Oh, all right. But all cats are more beautiful than the beautifullest slave, so you should make sure to point that out.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My cat won't go in the box, my cat won't go in the box, my cat won't go in the box, my cat whizzes in the clothes, my cat poops in the living room! What will I do?Sincerely,
Ten Thousand Slaves
***
Dear Slaves,
I get this question more often than any other. Any. Other. I have answered it several times, in several variations, on this page, but no more! At least, no more until I feel like answering it again. Or think of something new that is bound to be entirely useless for actual cat behavioral issues, which you may or may not have noticed, I don't often "do". Anyway, if you asked me this anytime over, oh, I dunno, the past freakin' year, this is your response.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Please explain the physics behind cat fur and why it doesn't making sitting in sun spots and other warm areas uncomfortable.Sincerely,
A Smart Alec Human That Is Trying to Stump You
***
Dear Stump,
Dude, I'm not allowed to tell you that! Don't you know anything about the SOHC?
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Where the heck are you, girlfriend? We misses your hisses!
Signed,
A fan or three
***
Dear Fans,
I threatened her with the Claw, but Typing Slave just muttered some crap about her email program on the laptop being out of date so she can't transfer the Gallery Submissions to her computer of choice and to blame Food Slave because HE is the one who promised to fix it but instead he spends his time changing Loud Thing's diapers, cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, and watching poker on tv in a haze of new daddy exhaustion. What a layabout! I swear, you can't get good help these days. But please be assured, the pressure to update is itching at me and I will soon find a way to make it happen, regardless of the Loud Thing's demands upon my slaves.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
On an irregular basis, advice questions may be posted on Meankitty's Blog, at http://meankittybox.blogspot.com/. Some of them may make their way to this page and some may not. It just depends on the mood of Meankitty. But cats are inconsistent that way. What are you gonna do? Try to get them to sign a contract? I don't think so.
Sincerely,
The Management
From a Guest Advisor:
I work for a veterinarian with more than 40 years experience and she tells all her clients about covered boxes and non clumping litter. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Susan R.
***
Dear Susan,
Cat toilet problems are the main thing we get emails about. I guess people get so desperate they'll seek help from ANYBODY, even a cat whose pathologically hateful! I know my Typing Slave was feeling desperate when the 4 rats were whizzing and pooping all over the house. She solved the problem by giving them all away. Clever, huh?
(Ok, that's not what we recommend in dealing with cat toilet problems and not why Typing Slave really gave the rats away, but still, it makes for a good quip.)
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Not So Random Fan Mail received after Hurricane Katrina:
Dear Meankitty,
I just stumbled across your site, and you are hilarious! It's been a horrible week here since the hurricane, but you made me and my refugees laugh out loud at your site...they brought their 4 cats, plus my 3 cats and we had a hurricane party. Everyone behaved pretty well.
I wanted to tell you about some stuff we discovered called Feliway. I had gotten it to put on a chair that my meankitties love to shred. The bottle said something about spraying it around for wellbeing. It has pheromones or something. Anyway, it worked unbelievably well! DON'T spray it on the cats themselves, just around the house or in their carriers going to the vet. It's amazing how much they calm down.
Sincerely,
Jan F. from Monroe, LA
Dear Meankitty,
I have 3 cats all under 1 year. One of them (Orion) loves to eat anything and everything and often eats more than his fair share of food. As a result he is getting heavy. We have all of them on Iams light food but that does little to help when he eats the most of the 3. How can we help slim him down without punishing the others or him on the process?
Sincerely,
Fred
***
Dear Fred, Dear Meankitty, *** Dear Hoodey, Sincerely, Dear Meankitty, Signed, *** Dear Manycats, Sounds like you could be writing advice on this page! Those of you
who are visiting here looking for SOHC tips to annoy your humans, that's a
good one. Sincerely, Dear Meankitty,
Considering the massive size of our cat D and the fact that our situation is
much the same, right down to the brand of cat food, we don't know what to tell
you. Perhaps getting a watergun and chasing Orion all over the house all the
time to increase his exercise quotient would help.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
My name is Hoodey (That's Hood-E) and I have seen the wonders you work with
other cats on your site. Thus here is my problem. I have this idiot roommate
name Dot, yes a cat named Dot, and he is constantly tormenting me to the point
of bloodshed. I need a way to get back at him once and for all, yet not appall
my human slaves to the point that they abandon me in fear. Any suggestions?
Thanks much,
Hoodey
I'm thinking you should snag something icky and sticky and make sure it gets
stuck in the idiot's fur. Then the humans will have to shave him and the
resultant ugliness will humiliate him. The humans will never know you did such a
thing, as they think cats are less intelligent than they are.
Meankitty
Meankitty
Here is the latest addition to my family. My dog Bijou and I found this little Persian on one of our walks. Someone had dumped her and she had been fending for herself for quite sometime. We actually had to trap her and get her checked out at the vet . She has been with us for 6 months now and still does not let either one of us get too near her. But she doesn't seem to mind the steady diet of catfood and enjoys her regular groomings. She weighed in at just under 4 lbs, when we found here and now tops the scaled at almost 8. Does anyone have any tips for us and how we can get her to at least tolerate our presence in the same airspace?
Signed,
Peggy
***
Dear Peggy,
Since she lets you groom her, you can get one of those grooming mitts that goes on your hand like a glove. Perhaps she will allow that. And perhaps some cat toys, like a feather and a string on a stick? If not, you're going to have to start carrying catfood in your pockets and a brush in your hand. But don't worry, you'll have all kinds of kitty friends if you do! Let the other humans turn up their noses at your odd smell. Your kitty friends are worth their weight in tuna.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I have the MOST wonderful Balinese chocolate lynx kitten in the
world! He is sooo sweet and playful and COMPLETELY loony sometimes. But he can
not seem to poop in the litter box. He will pee in the litter box, but will NOT
poop. We have changed litters a million times, placed 5 boxes for 2 cats, and
got the litter mate auto litter cleaner, (and of course keep the litter box
cleaned out all the time) 2-3 times a day cleaning it.
He simply does NOT want to poop in the litter box! My vet mentioned hormone
pills that I am against. Any better ideas?
Sincerely,
Pooped Out
***
Dear Pooped,
Although I had vowed to answer no more emails about litter box problems, yours caught my eye anyway because of the frequency of the cleaning you've been doing. Maybe you should let that poop station pile up. If the turds are rolling all over the box like cue balls, maybe he'll get the idea that's where they go. Hey, you've tried the opposite route. Might as well quit working so hard!
However, if your other cat(s) have grown used to a blemish free box, you might be chained to the several times a day scooping for life. Sorry, slave. It's what you're for.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
The two felines that I serve area always boxing. Especially at breakfast, while
I am bringing my ladies their victuals. The Meaner of the pair, Kitty Baby,
always swats and boxes the ears of the other, Bon Bon. This will go on for a few
minutes, even though they dine on separate counter tops, and from different
china plates. Once this boxing match is over, they retire to their respectful
corners and dine. Why do they do this?
Signed,
The Ref
***
Dear Ref,
Some cats believe in a good workout before their meal. Nothing enhances the flavor of food like a dash of hunger. And maybe the food you serve them is so horrible tasting they get in a, "No, you eat it!" contest until they realize they both have to eat it or starve. Try some tuna!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
You never got back to me to schedule that on-site visit. Did you get my kitty-mail? I have found this lovely new brand of tuna I thought you might like, in fresh springwater and packed at the peak of fishiness. I can bring a few cans when I drop by for our hot date. What do you say?
Rrrrrowr!,
Morris
***
Dear Morris,
You know, I've been meaning to get back to you...and tell you to GO FONG YOURSELF! Heh! Ok, seriously, there's this hot little mamma cat living at my house now? She's not as beautiful as me (who is?) but she's easy. Real easy. I think with your fur and her fur, you could make beautiful kittens together. I could introduce you and you could take her away from here to your celebrity kitty love palace in the 'Wood. How about it?
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Kirby is a 1 year old neutered male.
He lures me to his food dish where he purrs like a maniac and loves me to pet
him while he eats (only me). Yet, when I pet him, he becomes aggressive and will
start to bite. He bites my ankles, my wrists, my arms or wherever he can sink
his teeth. If he wants me at his food dish, and I cannot go, he will start to
chase me until I do. He wants his way and he wants it now, doesn't matter if I'm
trying to get ready for work or if I will be late. Any advice?
Signed,
Ksandrini
***
Dear Ksandrini,
Hurry up and feed that poor, starving cat! Ha!
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
ok like hi i like your site but like my gran has like this problem with cats in
that they keep like wizzing on her plants like and she now has barbed wire all
over the garden. you got any advice for mher that wont resort in the whole
family needing tetenus shots?
Signed,
Mistress Minx
***
Dear Minx,
Um. Like wow? I'd say, like, get some stray cat-pel or, like, something similar. You can find it at online vet, like, stores, as well as other places. Like, conversely, you could, like, adopt the biggest, meanest tom that's wizzing in the garden and he'll chase off the others.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty
As a devoted kitty worshiper my whole life, I was wondering what kind of
employment opportunities there would be in England (if any) for a very clever
human slave who would never dream of feeding kitties bland, boring and stale
food!
I look forward to hearing from you soon,
Hannah
***
Dear Hannah,
I have no idea. I can't read the Classifieds!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty:
My human just brought home this wretched little feline to share my space. His
name is Sam, apparently, but I think of him as "the crapper." He follows me
around and makes these stupid chirping noises when he runs. He is a total runt
and probably weighs less than my tail. I know I could just rip his little black
head off, but I worry about the stain that might make on my pristine white fur.
Can you suggest a neater, tidier way to get rid of the menace?
Sincerely,
Meankitty Nala
***
Dear Friend Nala,
It's going to take some work on your part, but we recommend you master the art of the sliding glass door. The slaves will forget to lock it one day --use the SOHC hypnotism technique on page 56 of the manual if you must -- and you can slide it open and shove the Crapper out it. Then he will run away, because he sounds like the type, and you will have your human to yourself again. I am very sympathetic to your plight, as at the time I am answering this email we have 4 crappy rats upstairs and all my plots to rid myself of them and their stinking mother have failed. So far. I have not yet begun to fong!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My name is Tuxedo Max (but my friends call
me TuxTux). How can I convince my slave that I am TRYING to cultivate my fur
into dreadlocks as a fashion statement? She keeps trying to comb it out and is
now threatening to take me to be SHAVED! I will become a laughingstock, I know
it. I mean, I live with six other cats, including a one-eyed sister who is still
plotting revenge!
All Fur and no Bite,
Tuxedo Max
***
Dear Max,
I feel your pain. I recently had part of my body shaved due to an unfortunate incident with the Interloper in my Home, and Big D, though he is pretty vacuous between his big ole ears, laughs at me every time he sees the patch. Should this dreadful thing occur, I would advise you to shed your half-nice kitty ways and fong the vet or the groomer. Then, if nothing else, they will refuse to work with you any more and your idiot slave won't be able to take you back to that particular establishment. Eventually you'll wear out your welcome everywhere within a reasonable radius and be safe from the clippers.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My human slave has been giving more attention to "the dog" than me. What should I do to get my rightful attention back?
Signed,
Too Fast For My Claws
***
Dear Claws,
Do this to the dog:
http://www.meankitty.com/Gallery/tango.htm and you will definitely make
waves.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Faith
***
Dear Faith,
You know? Socks come in pairs. Not only that
but DAWGS, idiots that they are, are color blind. Either find the other
yellow sock for yourself or trick the dog with some pink socks.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I have a new kitten (about 10wks old) we are keeping in our spare bathroom so he
has space to play yet not the run of the house yet. As expected he is scared and
has managed to crawl under a cabinet and only comes out to eat when no one is
around. The good part is that he can get in or out as he needs, but runs back
under at the first sight of us or noise. We are worried he will not bond to us.
I assume it's best to let him come out and stay out on his own rather then
forcefully pull him out. Any suggestions for coaxing him out?
Regards,
Hidden kitty
***
Dear Hider,
Get the kitty a cardboard box with a kitty sized
hole for him to hide in and block off the egress to the cabinet. Then at least
you can get him out more easily should you need to. Also you could cut a few
stick-sized holes in the kitty box to "play" with kitty through using feathers
or sticks or strings. And toss some of your dirty human clothes in the bathroom
floor to get the kitten used to your scent. Or just give him a more interesting
place to go potty!
Sincerely,
Meankitty & her Typing Slave
***
Dear Meankitty,
Worked great! Now the kitty is out and playing with the others.
Sincerely,
The Slaves
Dear Meankitty,
Help, I’m going to be expelled from Society of House Cats! It’s not my fault, I can’t help it. Every time I get near my petting slaves, they scratch my ears and I start purring, LOUD. I try be aloof and make them miserable. I try to give them death stares. I demand my water be changed every hour on the hour. It does no good when I’m purring like a motor boat. I can’t help it. I love the scratchin'. It’s so embarrassing. Oh please help me!
Signed,
Peanut
***
Dear Peanut,
You might as well face it, you're addicted to love.
If you can't shake your addiction and want to remain in the SOHC, we suggest learning to bite and purr at the same time. It's a high level skill, but some cats have mastered it. Don't give up! And don't forget that drooling with pleasure is also mean to humans, as is attacking them all the time in order to force them to sustain your addiction. This is particularly good to do between the hours of midnight and six a.m. or whenever they have guests over they want to impress.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Oh, blush. Yes, you figured me out, I'm that Morris. That yellow eyed, yellow haired hunk with the long whiskers on television. Don't believe the rumors that "Morris" was actually female or fixed. I'm living proof it's not true. Would you like a signed promotional photo? How about an on-site visit? I could be on your site before you even blinked, though I know you're quite good at the staring-and-not-blinking game, so really that gives me plenty of time.
Sincerely,
Morris
***
Dear Morris,
You know, they don't even run that commercial any more because contemporary lady cats--we aren't impressed by mere looks. We like a man-cat to have something additional, something extra, some kitty bling. Tops are an obedient slave, a fierce way with dogs, a private patch of 'nip, and a personal scratching post the size of a couch. You'd have had more luck telling me you had your picture posted on the Cat Chow calendar or the 365 Cats A Day desk calendar. Get outta here!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I was wondering why do all my cats like to lay on my newspaper???
Signed,
Readin' Between the Lions (Sam)
***
Dear Sam,
The first thing you have to understand is it's not your newspaper. It's theirs. And they know you want to borrow it and cats don't like to have their newspapers borrowed when their slaves could be doing something more useful, like petting them or building a cat tree or laying on the couch so the cat can lay on their stomach. If you MUST read the paper, you can try sneaking it into the bathroom and closing the door. Just hope they don't hear that paperish rattling noise and come after you.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Hello,
Sincerely,
Can't-Be-Bothered-To-Visit-The-Site
***
Dear Can't-Be,
Um, not exactly. More like the other way around!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I have a female cat named Bubbas who kicks serious butt. She kills
gophers, birds and snakes. She is She-Ra! I have another female
indoor cat who is 14 years old named Onyx who doesn't seem to
understand that when she growls and hisses at Bubbas, Bubbas is going to
try and eat her alive. How can I make Onyx understand that it is better
for her to remain still and silent while Bubbas is around?
Sincerely,
Exasperated in New Mexico
***
Dear Exasperated,
Have you ever actually SEEN Bubbas trying to eat Onyx? Have you been forced to wade into a whirling catfight to prevent wholesale kittyslaughter? If not, it might be that Bubbas is respectful of Onyx's age and position in the household.
And if not, well, you can't teach an old cat new tricks. Perhaps you could invest in one of those scary Hannibal Lecter masks for Bubbas and it will both prevent her from devouring Onyx as well as scare Onyx into hiding under your bed for three days straight. Which has repercussions as well.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
It is obvious that you are the epitome of meanness. Apparently, the cats who own me have been reading your postings regularly. Even the kitten!! Smudge has begun to do some very rude things around the house---behind the tv, under all the beds, next to the litter box, in front of the bathtub, IN the bathtub, and even once on the kitchen counter! I have tried putting his food dish away after he eats so he doesn't get the runs and go indiscriminately. He objected very loudly, as did the rest of the bosses.
Sincerely,
***
Dear Slaves,
You can put a litterbox in the entryway, which isn't pretty but might help out with the "display of poo" problem. Sounds like you need to get the stray "altered", too. Of course, it's taken us so long to update our advice page your many cats have probably already taken care of this situation for you and BJ is ruling the roost. Or Smudge. It's always the one you'd least expect. Either that or you're the one living out on the porch now.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear MK,
I have encountered a problem with a kitty. It seems a female cat and her young have decided to settle in my garage. They are slowly taking it over. Now my garage smells and I get hissed at every time I go to the car. Is there some kind of cat repellent or some way to hint to these trespassing cats that my garage is not a good place to stay?
Signed,
Finicky
***
Dear Finicky,
Sounds like you've got some new cats to love, obey, and cherish! They are hissing at you because they want food, a cat pan, and trips to the vet in short order. The ones of proper age want to get fixed. Well, they don't really WANT to get fixed, but if you don't get them fixed they'll make more and more and more cats until you live at stinky feral cat house, and doing bad things to them when you could just as easily take care of them is unacceptable.
Can't take care of them? Then you'll have to trap them and take them to the closest no-kill shelter.
Sincerely,
MK
Dear MK (and lowly typing slave),
We have much enjoyed your most recent postings. However, the posting of
Roland made us wonder if you wanted to
start a new website, something along the lines of Pathetickitty.com or
perhaps Alienkitty.com or just Notreallyakitty.com. Of course we
understand that Roland is a cherished meankitty, and as our sister points
out, cannot help his wrinkly bald appearance.
Signed,
The Slave of Daisy and Meanie-Pie
***
Dear Slave,
That sounds like work! And I think we all know how darn lame the lowly typing slave is when it comes to keeping just THIS site updated. It has also, at various times, been suggested we establish "notreallythatmeankitty.com" and "veryfatkitty.com" and "dogswhowanttobecats.com" and we haven't done those either. So you go right ahead. We'll forward all the notreallyakitties your way so we can share the wealth!
Signed,
MK and Lowly Typing Slave
Dear Meankitty,
I'm not like the other tomcats! I'm not afraid of commitment. Look at how long I've been endorsing that cat food brand, 9 Lives. Talk about staying power. And my vast experience with the canned food industry has given me very sophisticated tastes. Honey, I could really wine and dine a sweet little thing like you.
So anyway, what do you say? And, um, hey. If Tom happens to drop by your window, don't tell him I asked you out, okay?
Sincerely,
Morris
***
Dear Morris,
You expect me to believe you're THAT Morris? Come on. Get real.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
In your omnipotent feline wisdom, I am hoping you can help me solve a mystery. I
am just a simple pink kitty slave who used to be owned by one meankitty (http://www.meankitty.com/Gallery/elvisNH.htm)
Pretty soon I was owned by three meankitties. Now I am owned by five
meankitties, and I think they are planning to move another one in next month.
What exactly are these cats doing to me while I sleep that makes me continue to
enslave myself to more and more of them? When will this end? Will this end? Are
kitties highly skilled at slave hypnotism?
Signed,
PinkieSlave
***
Dear Pinkie,
They'll top out at 5 or 6. They won't want to share their food, their catboxes,
and their petting time that much unless you live on a farm or something.
As for admitting what the cats do when you're sleeping, my vow as a member of
SOHC prevents me from revealing that information.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I have by far one of the most evil kitties I have ever met. Any time any one
walks in the room, he hisses and growls. It's almost as if he was scared. But I
am pretty sure that's not the case. I just have to wonder, did you teach him to
be a mean kitty? Because I would greatly be honored to have a cat that you
taught to be mean. His name is Pooh (sometimes with no "H" if you get what I
mean) and he is a medium hair brown tabby.
(P.S. LOVE the site!)
Signed,
Proud Mean Kitty Owner
***
Dear Proud,
First, Pooh is miffed that you consider yourself an "owner" when any cat knows you're nothing but a slave. I mean, who owns who in that relationship? Who buys the food? Goes off to work every day to earn the money? Cleans the house and the catbox? Gives pettings and treats? It sure as heck isn't the cat.
Second, no, I didn't teach Pooh because I'm not a qualified SOHC instructor, alas. They get good pay but they have to be able to travel. Which I can't because I have yet to master doorknobs.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My name is Mufasa (I am a big orange long haired tabby) and I have a terrible problem. My slave brought home this big smelly male human about 8 years ago when I was just a wee kitty. I didn't really pay him any "never you mind", but I didn't like him either. Since his arrival I have been...well you know...I cant even say it....the N word! I've also been moved all over the country and had to share my slave. I am very protective of her and he says that I stalk her!! HmMPH!! She was put here for me to lounge on, sleep next to and order around. That's why I picked her! I knew she was a soft-hearted pushover cat-worshipper.
I have done all I can think of to rid my self of The Mean Man. I've peed on his clothes, hunted his socks to extinction, destroyed the majority of the expensive furniture he has bought, left scars on him, and ignored his relentless hounding and kitty bribes such as table food and catnip (ok! not the nip but I don't acknowledge he exists afterwards). Now he has taken to LICKING my forehead! It is very hard to get rid of his scent! OHH will it ever cease? Please help! I am beside myself and have taken to riding on my slave's shoulders to stay away from him! I am but a mere 17 lbs but my slave says I make her neck hurt. What else can I do??
Many catnip mouses to you,
Mufasa =^..^=
***
Dear Muf,
Please read the advice I gave to Princess in the entry right before yours. I think you'll find it enlightening. Also, put some poop on your forehead. Next time he licks it, you'll have a really good laugh. And don't feel bad for taking the nip. Accepting a bribe doesn't mean you have to cooperate in any way, shape or form. It's in the SOHC contract.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty:
I've had my slave for almost 10 years and up until now, she has been
satisfactory. However, recently she let a human male into my home. He takes her
to unimportant places and makes her late for my dinner and sleeps in my bed. And
snores.
If that isn't bad enough, he brought his dawg with him, and the moronic beast
has the nerve to look in the window at me. Meankitty, do you think if I run the
dawg off, the male would go away? I really hate to get rid of my slave; this is
the first time she has done anything like this.
Yours in Perrfection,
Princess
***
Dear Princess,
Run the dawg off for the sake of the dawg, though it is doubtful if the male will follow. No, to get rid of him you'll have to take more drastic actions. One possibility is dragging men's underpants that don't belong to the male into the middle of the bedroom floor so that the male thinks your slave likes more than one tom. Now granted, that's kind of underpawed, and your slave will probably boohoo and cry for ages, but then she'll just get mad at men in general and you won't have to mess with any of them again. If you are going to take this action, do try and take it before any Pink Things come into the picture. Pink Things LIKE dawgs and put their sticky slobbery hands on your fur and pull tails and all other sorts of annoying things.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Meankitty,
Here is a hard one for you to figure out. My roommate and I have a
Siamese/Himalayan cat named Simon. He is very anti-people. The only time he
wants us around is when we ignore him or if he just wants someone to chew one.
Simon spends most of his days stealing from trash cans and making weird noises
(you should hear these noises, they are quite disturbing) and running around and
leaping on and off things. The thing that bothers me and my roommate the most is
the fact that Simon attacks for no reason at all. He will come sit by us and
then attack even if haven't done anything to him. It takes someone else to pull
him off and then we have to lock him in the bathroom until he cools down. He has
incredible mood swings. What would you suggest we do?
Sincerely,
Afraid for my life
***
Dear Afraid,
Have you ever heard the tale of Brer Rabbit who pretended he didn't want to be
thrown into the briar patch? The fact is, Simon's got him a cat house party set
up in the bathroom and he needs you to put him in there and close the door so
you won't catch on to his antics. At least, not those antics. I mean, maybe I
shouldn't have told you that and ruined Simon's good time, but chances are you
won't believe it and he can continue to run the best cat parties on the block.
I've heard of Simon's parties, man! Tom Jones even came to one of them.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I have a cat and she's just fine when I'm at home, but when I'm away she is very mean and hostile towards my roommates. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Politeness Itself
***
Dear Politeness Itself,
We advise you pretend to chastise your cat for her hostility and then snicker in your sleeve. Heh heh heh! Maybe even put up a secret web cam to see the festivities!
Incidentally, chances are your roommates are starting it. They deserve the wrath and probably like dogs.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I enjoy sitting in my servant's lap and purring, just to get them going, then
I bite them! This really seems to bug them. Why? I'm just getting comfy, and
then I get this urge to bite...what's with this?
From,
Pink-nosed-kitten (Queen of the house)
***
Dear Pink-nose,
Haven't you heard the old nursery rhyme?
A kitten with a black nose jumps on the lumpy.
A kitten with a pink nose bites when she's comfy.
A kitten with a white nose ignores when you call,
But the kitten with the grey nose I love best of all.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
HELP!!!!! I have a 4 month old male kitten and here lately he has missing the litter box and pooping bedside it. I clean it out regular, like everyday, but he refuses to poop in it. He just started this behavior just a week or two ago and we have no clue why. I have tried bleaching the spot as well as putting vinegar but he just will not give it up. Do u have any advice?
Sincerely,
Carmelia
***
Dear Carmelia Slave,
Well, since it's been ages since I got this email from you, I am going to assume the problem took care of itself. However, if you want to know what I would have told you had my Typing Slave been on the ball enough to post timely advice, I would have told you to cut a huge trap-door type hole in the floor where the kitten usually poops and the next time he squatted in the wrong place to do his business, presto! he'd be in for a rude shock when he dropped into the pail of cold water you placed in the pit. That might scare the sh*t out of him, but at least it wouldn't be on the carpet.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My boyfriend and I have six cats. We love them all very much. One of our cats
is very very mean to the others. Vladimir was born to a feral mother on a farm.
He can be the cuddliest sweetest cat ever, but then he can be a vicious terror.
Our other cats have scabs and bald spots from Vlad biting them. The smallest
cat, other than himself, is most often his target. He attacks her all the time,
biting her always on the face and leaving lots of abrasion and scrapes which
create bald spots. We don't know how to stop him from doing this. Any ideas?
Thank you,
A concerned cat lover
***
Dear Concerned,
We suggest you get an umpire-type face mask for the littlest cat and maybe some tiny Kevlar vests for the others. When Vlad blunts his teeth on that armor, maybe he'll realize it's not all that fun to bite other cats. You will then need to get a dog for him to bite instead. Of course, you did say you had a boyfriend. Perhaps Vlad can just bite him!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I got your email address from online when I was searching for information about
why my cat is so mean at times. Here is the story with my cat:
When I tell him no, after about 30 seconds he turns into "Jekyll" and he will
lunge at me and bite me hard wherever his teeth may land. It has happened to my
face even. I was afraid of my cat for about 5 years. He has mellowed a bit
but when he is in a mood, he is downright mean. And what I don't understand is,
only about a minute or two after he has bitten me, he will jump into my lap
purring.
I now have a 6 month old female (spayed) cat. They play together but I notice
that he bites her too and I am afraid he will hurt her like he hurts me.
Can you give me some advice? Does my older cat need medication so his
personality doesn't snap like it does?
Sincerely,
CatBit
***
Dear CatBit,
Sounds like a human toddler! Pink Thing is currently in the "Don't tell me no or
you'll regret it!" phase. Cats are smarter than humans give them credit for --
well, Meankitty slaves know that already!
On the female cat, if you start finding actual wounds, worry about it then.
Perhaps you can feed the female special growth hormone and she'll get big enough
to kick his kitty butt.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Hi, it's Morris again. You know, Morris, Tom's friend? Well, I just wanted you to know we aren't friends any more. We've had a falling out. I mean, the guy criticized my tail, man. You just don't do that to a cat who's supposed to be a buddy.
Anyway, I was just wondering if maybe you'd like to go for a drink of milk sometime? Since you don't want anything to do with Tom, you're single, right?
Signed,
Your Fan Morris
***
Dear Morris,
I'm single, sleek, sexy and spayed! But then, that's how you roving tomcats like 'em, isn't it? No commitment, no kittens, no tuna sharing. No thanks!
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear
Advice Reading Slaves: new stuff as of June 2004 starts from here up.
Dear Meankitty,
REMOVE ME FROM THIS LIST IMMEDIATELY!
I HAVE ASKED BEFORE>
I DO NOT LIKE YOUR SPIN ON THINGS.
REMOVE ME FROM THIS LIST IMMEDIATELY!
I HAVE ASKED BEFORE>
I DO NOT LIKE YOUR SPIN ON THINGS>
REMOVE ME FROM THIS LIST IMMEDIATELY!
I HAVE ASKED BEFORE>
I DO NOT LIKE YOUR SPIN ON THINGS>
REMOVE ME FROM THIS LIST IMMEDIATELY!
I HAVE ASKED BEFORE>
I DO NOT LIKE YOUR SPIN ON THINGS>
REMOVE ME FROM THIS LIST IMMEDIATELY!
I HAVE ASKED BEFORE>
I DO NOT LIKE YOUR SPIN ON THINGS>
REMOVE ME FROM THIS LIST IMMEDIATELY!
I HAVE ASKED BEFORE>
I DO NOT LIKE YOUR SPIN ON THINGS>
REMOVE ME FROM THIS LIST IMMEDIATELY!
I HAVE ASKED BEFORE>
I DO NOT LIKE YOUR SPIN ON THINGS>
REMOVE ME FROM THIS LIST IMMEDIATELY!
I HAVE ASKED BEFORE>
I DO NOT LIKE YOUR SPIN ON THINGS>
REMOVE ME FROM THIS LIST IMMEDIATELY!
I HAVE ASKED BEFORE>
I DO NOT LIKE YOUR SPIN ON THINGS>
Signed,
Hating-You
***
Dear All Slaves Who Cannot Follow Instructions,
The way to rid yourself of my periodic emails is written plainly at the bottom of every email I send out. To wit: "To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: meankitty-unsubscribe at yahoogroups.com." If you hit reply to the emails that come to you, this WILL NOT get you removed from the list, unless you ask real nice, which, oddly enough, people rarely do. It may, however, get your email posted on this page for the delectation of the meankitty-loving masses!
Have a nice day and good luck removing yourself from the list!
Sincerely,
MK
Dear Meankitty,
I really am appalled at some the responses in written form by you, or whomever, and will be sending this web address for monitoring to the Humane Society immediately. This site does not promote awareness in any form, and is as bad as any porno site on the web.
My advise to you, is to never own a cat, or communicate your foul sense of humor publicly without seeking Therapy for yourself. Before you give advise such as "duck taping" a cat to another.
Regards,
Name Also Withheld to Protect the Humorless
PS Pls remove me from your listing for future newsletters as well. Thank you.
***
Dear Humorless,
Duck taping: is that something on World's Funniest Animals home video show?? We, of course, prefer cat taping, unless it's dog taping and the dog is getting chased by the mailman or something.
Have a nice day!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I've been looking over your "Mean Kitty" gallery, and from the descriptions of the cats it's possible that most of them are either in chronic pain, lashing out because of it, and need veterinary care; were terribly abused when younger, and need to be treated differently than if they had had normal upbringing -- again, a vet should be consulted for that; or are simply being treated in a way no self-respecting cat (or human being, for that matter) would like blah blah, and are trying to tell the human beings who treat them with disrespect to have better manners.
The blah blah remainder are very similar to cats (and ferrets) I've actually known to whom idiots gave psychedelic drugs when they were kittens, something which blah blah blah, at that stage of a cat's life, permanently deranges their nervous systems, and may need antipsychotic medication -- otherwise they can't help but be paranoid at all times, frightened of everyone and everything, on an emotional roller-coaster that never stops. Cats (and ferrets) aren't mean for no reason, any more than human beings are blah. There are always reasons, and if these people do love their cats, they really need blah blah to research the problems they're describing here. I'd be glad to provide what information I can for each class of problems, but I'm not a professional vet, and they really ought to turn to vets as well as to the many good books on the subject for the best information for this. Blah blah.
I have a feeling that many of these people expect their cats to act like dogs blah blah blah, and treat them as if they were dogs, or gerbils, or hamsters, or blah blah blah blah blah, or whatever non-feline animal it may be, and that just doesn't work with cats, any more than it would, say, a ferret. Or they see them as animated stuffed toys, appliances there for the owner's convenience rather than individuals in their own blah blah blah right, with souls, spirits, and blah minds of their own. If so, they really should not have a cat. A cat is as much an individual as any human being or, for that matter, ferret, and, like a human being (or ferret), very much resents being taken for granted, and treated as if it were not a sentient, sapient being (or ferret) with its own emotional and spiritual as well as physical needs. A good veterinarian (or ferret) can make this clearer.
But the gist of it is that some people just aren't meant to have cats (or ferrets) blah blah blah ferrets blah blah. Maybe dogs are better for them and they for dogs, say, or maybe some other type of pet. People should have the types of pets they can empathize with, whom they can see as people -- albeit non-human people -- in their own right, and I have a feeling some of these nice people whose cats are portrayed here just aren't able to empathize very well with their cats blah blah blah, blah.
Blah blah blah dogs want us to be pack-leaders, and live to obey us. Cats (and ferrets) want true I-thou blah blah blah relationships with us, in which they are seen by us blah as emotional and spiritual peers, blah blah. True, they don't have the keys to the car blah blah and couldn't use them if they did (though ferrets could), but the same blah blah blah blah is true of a quadriplegic. Think of blah blah blah Sir Stephen Hawking, the world-renowned blah cosmologist and physicist (and ferret), who has been completely paralyzed for many years save for the one finger he can move to type blah blah blah and thus communicate with others (and ferrets). Trapped in a body that doesn't work any more, blah blah blah, he has been able to change the whole universe for us (and ferrets) as no one since Einstein has, blah blah blah blah.
Obviously his body doesn't have much to say about what he is blah blah blah blah blah blah blah spiritually and emotionally! The same is true of cats (and ferrets). Their spirits and souls are as blah blah blah big as those of Sir Stephen. When we don't acknowledge that, they really resent that blah blah blah -- and they also, understandably, become afraid of us, because if we don't see them as intelligent beings in their own right, we are very likely to mistreat them (and ferrets), and they know that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah meow blah blah. Fear makes beings lash out at whoever and whatever they fear (and ferrets) -- hence the "meanness" of those "mean" kitties blah blah meow meow blah blah. They aren't congenitally meow blah blah meow bad -- they are chronically insulted, outraged, and fearful (like ferrets). Or they are permanently stoned meeeeeeow blaaaaaaah because some moron gave them blah blah LSD as kittens, or they are in chronic agony because of internal blah blah blah blah injuries that haven't been properly treated (by ferrets).
One way or another, the cats (and ferrets) aren't the only ones with attitude problems blah blah blah blah -- and the attitude "problems" they have are, in most cases, at least, highly reasonable reactions to what they justifiably perceive as ill-treatment of one sort or another. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah meow bark bark hiss poo poo blah blah blah. Maybe they just get tired of bad manners on our part. Or they could be reacting to the very real, physical pain somebody puts them in picking them up the wrong way blah blah blah blah blah blah mewwwwwwwwow blah, aggravating old injuries (made by ferrets). Or they may need blah blah blah blah antipsychotic medication to control a condition (like ferret rash) they really can't help and aren't responsible for blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah meow.
Whatever it is, I think someone ought to let the owners of blah blah blah blah blah blather blah humph meow blah blah these cats (and ferrets) know that they might want to check with a good vet (or ferret) to see blah blah blah blah blah what actually underlies the behavior problems blah blah blah blah blah cat cat ferret cat potato head pink thing cat blah blah -- or find a home for their blah blah meow meow blah blah cats where the cats will be cherished blah blah blah blah blah for what they are, and cared for properly, and get a pet for themselves (like ferrets) they can empathize with blah blah blah blah blah and take care of properly, instead. Blah blah blah blah blah ferret love blah blah meow blah blah eat tuna blah blah blah blah blah blah blah meow bark bark bark bark bow-wow.
Signed,
Name Withheld to Protect the Humorless
***
Dear Human,
Oh. My. Meow.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
my kitten runs away from me she is very skittish. Please help me what do i do
Signed,
SwEeTiEpIE
***
Dear Sweetie Pie,
Use duct tape to strap her to your chest. Shave her first, though. Then she will not run away from you. Conversely, you could walk around with tuna between your toes and see if she's more attracted to you then.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
***
Dear Meankitty,
what!!!????? what kind of website is this!! thats sick!!!
Signed,
oUtRaGeEd
***
Dear Bad Spelling Slave,
Last time I checked it was called www.MEANkitty.com, emphasis on the MEAN. What's with all you weird humans taking this advice seriously lately?? I guess it's just the price of fame!
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I just had to email you about your site on mean kitties. I am still laughing my butt off! This is one of the most enjoyable sites I have ever seen. My best to you, great job on this page...
Sincerely,
Jenny
***
Dear Jenny,
Sorry to hear about your butt. Butts are a sad thing to lose, as we cats know (see previous letter). Did it slide down your legs or just make a mess in your computer chair? Our butts are much smaller so it leaves something that looks like a hairball before growing back. And you thought it was just cat fur!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I'm a cat over the age of 15. I was just wondering. Is catnip a dangerous thing for older cats like me? If so, what are the dangers?
Signed,
Charley Boy
***
Dear Charley,
Grampa needs to get his groove on too, baby! You're only in danger if you try to fly off the roof when you're under the influence or you run around in so many circles the hyperactivity gives you a heart attack.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
It looks like my girlfriend and I are going to end up together. My problem is I have 3 Abyssinians, ages 1 thru 3. All of my cats are indoor cats and have their claws. My girlfriend has two cats. One Siamese who is 7 years old and a part time outdoor cat. And a mean white cat that's about two. Both without front claws. She has plans to get a Ragdoll kitten at the end of the month.
What's the safest to get all these cats together without a major brawl? Would it be easier to get a new girlfriend?
Kind Regards,
***
Dear Fan,
We hope you have a very large house! The cats without claws will learn to deal with the cats who do, probably by using their teeth and their back claws. Woohoo, cat party! The safest way to get them together might be to bring the cats who will be moving into your house over one at a time, shut them in a room and let the mystery build. Then intro them to the rest of the cats.
Otherwise just throw them all in a room, shut the door, turn on the web cam, and let them work it out while you go to a baseball game.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
This is an open letter to people owned by mean kitties. You neglected to establish dominant rank in your house. I learned to 'mimic' a few useful phrases in 'Cat'. The low growl used for all discipline of a higher ranking [Gran Dame-Matriarch] female. I can growl rather loud and low. Neighbor's cat isn't sure how big the cat next door is, but it's a BIG Growly thing. When one of my cats commits a no-no, all I have to do is call the offenders name and growl then the convicted walks off to find a very quiet spot out of view. I have 4 companions, a brother-sister pair of black cats, a grey tabby, and an orange tabby fluff-ball. I received each of them at different times and ages. Fighting/wrestling and chase re-enactments are not allowed on the bed. When that rule is forgotten, big growly noise is made. A few moments later the entire troupe is returning to cuddle, nicely this time.
Hope this helps one or two. To love a cat is to always love a mystery. Good luck with your mean kitties.
Signed,
Gran Dame
***
Dear Dame,
Growling, huh? I hate to tell you this, but it works because your cats run away to laugh their butts off at you! But hey, it works, so who cares, right?
Signed,
Meankitty the Buttless
Dear Meankitty,
Is there any way I can get a stray outdoor cat from coming on my deck and upsetting my indoor cat?
Signed,
Diane
***
Dear Diane,
We'd suggest putting a glass bubble over the deck, but it wouldn't be practical and would probably get totally trashed by bird poo. Alternately, you could humanely trap the stray and take it to a shelter, if your cat gets THAT upset. Me and my housemates like to yell at strays. It adds excitement to our otherwise humdrum lives. I mean, unless that stray is TOM, which isn't exciting so much as it is a case for a kitty restraining order, the freak.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My cat sucks on you. Your neck, your ear, etc. He is 3 months old. Will he outgrow this? His name is Cocoa, a Seal Point Himalayan.
Signed,
Bottle Man
***
Dear Bottle,
Probably not.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty
I have a meankitty called Evie. Usually she's an angel kitty, but in the middle of the night she turns into a meankitty when she insists on waking me up to play with her. I love my kitty, she's a straight black Siamese mix, but she tends to act a bit like a nasty dog.
Why does Evie chase her tail and play fetch? I bring her over to my mother's house each weekend when I go so that the three cats my mother owns will rub off on her, but she still insists on being a calm car kitty, and playing with her tail like a nasty mutt. Is this simply her fulfilling the SOHC requirement of "one act per day her human does not understand?"
Signed,
Evie lover
Dear Lover,
Yeah, that sums it up. But if you let on that you get it, she'll start doing something really freaky, like swimming.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Mean Kittie,
After we had my oldest kittie fixed she ballooned out....big time! I tried the diet cat food but after 2 months I haven't noticed any change. It doesn't really bother me much but I'm sure it can't be good for her health. How do I get her back to at least a somewhat normal looking size?
Sincerely,
Flattened Lap
***
Dear Flat,
Chase her around with a dog.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I have a meankitty named Lucky. She is the sweetest thing in the world some times and others she'll scream when ever you go near her. If you move too fast as you're running for your life, she'll really get ya! Teeth and claws, the fluff is gone, and so is most of your skin...please Meankitty, I just want to be a good human slave! What does she want or need?
Signed,
Luckys-slave
***
Dear Slave,
Sounds like she wants and needs your skin. Perhaps you should freeze when she's on the prowl so as not to over-stimulate her hunting instincts. Learn to play dead. Sometimes it helps mice and possums.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My typing slave is overjoyed at seeing my evil mug on your web site. Thank you.
Signed,
Merle
PS- Two new cats just moved in with me. I've been holding them hostage in the bedroom for three weeks now. When do you think it's appropriate for me to let them out?
***
Dear Merle,
Well, if you let them out are they going to eat your food or will your slave overcompensate from the shared dish situation and give you all three more food than you technically need? Because hey, more food!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I notice that your doing all those updats and my cat PuffMufin didnt make the kut. I don't think thats fair you should post all the cats you get including mine. PuffMufin is really cute and she is so mean when she chases her stuffd mouse and is mean to the fish when she stars at them.
Sincerely,
Disapoinned
***
Dear Dissed,
As it says on the website in various places, the management reserves the right to edit text as we see fit AND ignore any submissions whose pictures are poor quality or whose stories of supposed meanness are lacking. We also reserve the right to LEAVE IN all the typos you make and/or mock your non-mean kitties. We also also reserve the right to be really inconsistent...just like cats. There's a reason why the moniker of "meankitty" suits us so well!
Have a nice day!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear MeanKitty,
I am a very mean kitty named Cal. I was a stray and my owner brought me into her home. She tries to be nice but she doesn't understand why I still bite and scratch and hiss at her sometimes. Ever since I came into her home I also beat up her other cat for no apparent reason and eat all the food. I have gained at least 5 pounds since I moved in here. Why am I so fat and so crazy? I just want to be thankful to my owner for giving me the life I would not have been able to have if she had no adopted me but I cannot stop my crazy urges.
Sincerely,
Fat Cat Cal
***
Dear Cal
It's probably the alien chip in your brain. You know, when the aliens chip us cats, it always makes us act a little left of normal, at least what human slaves consider normal. Recommend high doses of catnip. Not because it will help but because...hey, catnip!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear MeanKitty,
I'm having a problem with my cat who is 1 year old. When I first got her up until now, she was very affectionate and loving, and now she has an attitude problem and never wants to show love. She always growls when I hold her and she never sits near me anymore. Is there anything I can do to make her nice again?
Sincerely,
Debra
***
Dear Debra,
Ahhhh, teenagers. Aren't they the pits?
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My cats drive me crazy! I can't sleep at night because they like to play in my bedroom and if I shut the door, they claw at the door all night and meow like crazy. I can't sleep and I don't know what else to do.
Sincerely,
Sleepless in Kittyville
***
Dear Sleepless,
Sounds like they are doing their job! My housemates and I do the same thing. The stupid humans have tried everything, including balancing this huge box in front of the door where we couldn't scratch it, but putting down food right before bedtime has helped the most, not to mention a cat tree in the living room for us to play on. Yet there are still nights we wreak havoc on the door. They have considered shutting us in a different room on the other side of the house at night where at least they wouldn't be able to hear our noise. However, what they don't know is we can still get to them through the vent system, just like in the spy movies.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
To whom it may concern:
I know you all love your cats just as much as I love mine but if your cat is so mean why do you keep them? I'm not trying to be mean but I wouldn't want a cat that is so mean. Is there a reason that they are so mean all the time?
Sincerely,
Denise H.
***
Dear Denise H.,
Do any meankitty slaves even know where to begin to explain about pet owner responsibility and finishing what you start to this obviously deficient human slave?
Ok, I'm going to stop answering advice for a while before I actually say something that isn't in jest.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Do cat bites hurt worser than dog bites?
Sincerely,
Bleedin'
***
Dear Bleedin',
It depends.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My name is not Tom, it is Morris, no relation to the Morris on your site. I just wanted you to know I think Tom is a really great feline and you should give him a chance. I am not one of his littermates, either. He knows how to really treat the ladycats right. He will lick your ears and face in a loving way and always give you the first choice of tuna bits.
Signed,
Morris
***
Dear Morris,
Where is the box for me to check "Yes" or "No"? Actually I only need the "No" box.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I have a beautiful long black and white fur coat that needs to be brushed very often. My human slave realizes this and attempts to brush it every week, but she thinks she needs to put this stuff called Gravol down my throat to brush me because I put up so much fuss! I just don't know how to go about telling my human slave that I just want to make her life difficult. Please help me Meankitty...I'm at my wit's end.
Sincerely,
Stuffy
***
Dear Stuffed with Drugs,
I would advise getting several of the tranq capsules and depositing them in her drink. When she is out, chew off most of her hair.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I don't know if my cat Precious is actually a meankitty or not. She seems to have a split personality. Sometimes she is cute, adoring and loveable, and will sit on your lap for hours and purr. Then she will suddenly get all skittish and run around like a loon. Also, she does strange stuff, like drink out of taps, or go to sleep in the bath, or spend hours behind the cupboards in the little kitchen. Lastly, out of nowhere, this strange glint will come into her eyes, and you know she wants you dead. Suddenly my adorable little cat is a mass of razor sharp teeth and claws which have no mercy, drawing blood every time!
Is this schizophrenia something to do with the fact that she has more than four names? Please help!
Sincerely,
Claw-marked arms
***
Dear Claw-marked,
Nah, she's no nutter.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I have a problem with one of my three indoor cats. Her name is Soupy. In an attempt to play and rough house, she jumps on the back of my 12 year old b/w cat Khanny and he never fights back. He just runs away or screams. I feel very bad for him and I wish he would just stand up to Soupy but he won't. I yell at Soupy to cut it out but she never listens, and the squirt bottle is never around when you need it. What am I to do, Meankitty?
Signed,
Perplexed in Texas
***
Dear Perplexed,
Khanny is actually loving it. I mean, he's 12 and she's a hot young thing. Woo-hoo! He only pretends to hate it so she'll keep it up. Dirty old tomcat. Heheh!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I see I shall have to take a more aggressive stance since you are playing hard to get. I shall run away from my dear human slaves and join a feral cat band. Give up my sheepskin window hammock, my four level cat tree, my porcelain water and food bowls, my hooded cat box. Or else I'll be a kitty hermit and travel the world until I sniff my way to your door. There I will meow piteously in my winsome way until your slaves take me in.
And then, then, my love, we shall be together. I will sleep by your side every night and you will see the love I bear for you is true.
Sincerely,
Tom
***
Dear Tom,
You come in my yard, I kick your butt. Then D kicks your butt. Then I kick it again.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My cat Minstrel is the meanest, most bad tempered cat there is. He bites the kids and the wife is too scared to pick him up. However, when he wants feeding and I ignore him for 0.00000045 of a second, he sprays a stream of mean cat widdle. How can I stop him doing this short of ceremonial execution and burial in the back garden?
Sincerely,
Jeremy
***
Dear Deserving-of-widdle,
What the heck is up with all these kitty-commitment-phobic humans writing to ME for advice?? I know *exactly* how to stop Minstrel but I ain't tellin'! That's what you get for your loutish burial joke.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Is it healthy for cats to eat tuna with plain Cream of Wheat or plain rice with tuna? My Vet says yes as long as it's not all they eat but for a winter treat but I want a cat's opinion. I plan to add half a pat of sweet no-salt butter to both dishes.
Sincerely,
Terry the Guardian of Hades and Hecate
***
Dear Guardian,
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm tuna! Butter is good too, especially if your cat is prone to hairballs.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Ever since my cat shattered a patio door with his head 4 years ago, he's been carrying around socks and talking to them. Why is that? Also, is it possible for Stuffy to take out MY meanness on other people? Like, whenever I'm angry at my fiance, my kitty always attacks him in the most mean and delightful way. Is he so in tune with his pet human?
Signed,
Stuffy's Honey
***
Dear Honey,
Socks: perfectly normal. D has never broken a patio door with his head and both he and the stupid pink think carry socks all over the crappin' house.
Channeling your meanness: sounds like you've got a good cat and a bad fiance!
Signed,
Meankitty-who-is-not-a-qualified-human-relationship-counselor
Dear Meankitty,
What would make a loving neutered male cat that we've had for thirteen months start biting us? It starts out as play--jumping out at us and wrapping around a leg and nipping, then gets more vicious. We tried squirting water but this was taken as a challenge and he became more determined to bite. We usually resort to "time out" until he forgets about it. But that is a nuisance. Any advice?
Sincerely,
Cat Lovers in KC
***
Dear Cat Lovers,
What about some of those police doggie training gloves? Biting should be fun for the whole family!
Ok, seriously. Oh, wait, I don't have to be serious! I'm a cat!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My young cat Raider has a pooping problem. She uses the cat box but more often she uses the corners of the house. I'm afraid if I don't get rid of her, she will cause my other 11 week old kitten and my year old cat to start pooping in the wrong places. Help? I need your advice!!!
Sincerely,
LoX
***
Dear LoX,
Welllll, I was going to tell you a secret too but you lost me when you mentioned that you actually considered getting rid of her over a little poo. Are you related to Heartbroken in San Francisco? So...none for you either!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My kitty (born April 24, 2002) does not like to be where my fiance and I are. She sleeps under the bed all the time. She comes out to eat and use the litter box. When we put her on the bed, she jumps down right away and does not come back up on her own. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Vicki
***
Dear Vicki,
What I want to know is...what's going on under that bed? Maybe she's got her a little kitty condo under there. Or maybe it's a regular kitty party. Maybe there's a secret entrance to another realm.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My one year old male Bengal has been avoiding me like the plague since he was 6 months old. When I pet him or try to pick him up, he claws the heck out of me. I have scars all over my hands and it is devastating to me because I love animals so much and I am the one who wanted him. I am seriously considering giving him up if he doesn't warm up to me.
Sincerely,
Heartbroken in San Francisco
***
Dear Heartbroken,
Welllll, I was going to tell you a secret but you lost me with that "seriously considering giving him up" part. So...none for you!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I was hoping you could help me. One of my mean kitties keeps trying to kill my 3 fish. When I try to feed them my mean kitty knocks my hand, making me put a LOT of food it to the tank. He also keeps chewing on the air hose to cut off the fish's air. I have had to buy 5 new hoses in the last
Der Mean Kitty,
I hav a problum wid catz. Dey com in my yard n eye keep chazing dem out. How kan eye let dem now dey r nawt invited? Dis really raizes my hair on my bak!!
Jack the Dog
***
Dear Stupid Dog,
Here's the thing. I know you can't type. You're a dog. You, too, require a human typing slave. So when everything is spelled incorrectly, it just makes your human typing slave look like some kind of dunce. I mean, really.
Anyhow, I think I mentioned below...I don't give advice to dogs. They never listen.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Why must you tempt and torture me so? I gaze at your picture on the website every day, longing to meet you in person. I know you're thinking of me as you look into the camera with those vivid yellow eyes. I just love me a yellow eyed woman. How about I get my typing slave to drive me to your house?
Signed,
Tom
***
Dear Tom,
How about you get your typing slave to drive over your tail? Oh, wait, you're probably one of those cats with really stubby tails...a Manx. And you know what they say about cats with short tails.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
u sad losers with this crap website
Sincerely,
Dog-breathed Poohead
***
Dear Poohead,
Um, okay. Go pet your dog.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Angel has fresh water in his bowl but insists on drinking from the plants we are rooting in the bay window. He dips his paw in and then licks the plant water, complete with Miracle Grow, from his paw. He knows this is wrong -- we yell NO! and he rowrs and runs off, giving us the famous Angel 'dirty curse you evil people!' look. Yet he continues to do it. My husband gets angry because his plants lose their water, I worry Miracle Grow will do odd things to the cat, my daughter thinks this is hilarious, the bird thinks we should get rid of the cat, and my 5 yr old son just loves hollering NO at someone else.
Help!
Thank you,
Angel's family
***
Dear Angel Family,
I would also worry about Miracle Grow inside a kitty -- check the box for ingredients and pet interaction warnings. You could try putting a fresh bowls of water next to the bay window, but it sounds like Angel is raiding the plant stash just because it exists. Perhaps every time he looks thirsty you could place him next to the plant and encourage him to drink out of it and then he won't want to. He could be partaking from the legendary toilet fountain, so in a way, it could be worse. By the way, it sounds like your house is a party!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I have three cats that I love dearly (Velcro, Baby & Little Bunny FuFu). Velcro is only six and starting in March, 2001, he started pulling his fur out with his teeth. I took him to the vet & he had no rashes, parasites, etc. but apparently cats that are totally black tend to pull out their fur. I tried giving him kitty-prozac but it only made him mean. I thought maybe he was pulling his fur out because he heard me discussing my plans for a two week vacation. Then, I thought it was because I had a sick friend move in with me but Velcro continues to pull his fur out now that my friend is gone. I've tried changing his food too. Do you have any ideas as to why Velcro is pulling his fur out? There does not seem to be any pattern as to when he does the pulling. Help!! Velcro looks so sad with his bald spots.
Signed,
Velcro's mom
***
Dear Mom of Velcro,
You have happened to hit upon an area of expertise had by my associate, Meankitty Nala. Let me refer you to her.
Hello Mom of Velcro,
Here's the thing - some of us just like to pull our hair out. My belated brother and I are both descended from a prestigious line of champion hair pullers. The wretched vet tried to label us "psychotic groomers" but we know better than any doctor. My human slave has tried everything from overexposure to catnip (boy, that was a trippy couple of days!) to switching our beloved Ijams Hairball Control to some expensive high-protein formula for dry skin. Since we noted how much she paid for the high-protein grub and that she was only able to find a ten pound biggie sized bag, we of course refused to eat it.
Incidentally, I have now also quit eating Ijams since my human bought it in bulk.
With my belated brother, kitty antihistamines kept the hair pulling slightly at bay, but he also slept an awful lot. The vet also claimed that such hair pulling, especially on a cat's lower back, indicated a potential flea allergy but there were no fleas. The moral of the story here is that some cats are just going to pull out hair. Take Velcro to the vet regularly to make sure there is no infection and keep up regular flea treatments in case those pesky biters ever show up. Otherwise, bask in the loveliness of bald spots.
Sincerely,
Nala
Dear MeanKitty,
What kind of food does your typing slave serve you?
Sincerely,
David in Athens, Ohio
***
Dear David,
Tuna in sauce! Tuna in sauce! Tuna in sauce! Oh, and some bland-ass dry stuff and whatever the Stupid Pink Thing drops.
More interesting is what our guest advisor Meankitty Nala is served by her typing slave. Meankitty Nala gets Purina Special Care Hairball Control Formula and Whisker Lickin' Treats, but she will only eat the treats if they stay soft. Slave has four containers of various treats in her cabinet that were hideously allowed to harden, therefore making them inedible. Whisker Lickin' Treats fit the bill because they are in their own ziploc baggy, which can be placed inside yet another ziploc baggy so as to maintain maximum freshness.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I have the meanest kitty who ever lived. He is a fancy-schmancy blue Persian who weighs a couple of pounds and has a flat little mean face. He was very sick through all his kittenhood, but the vet cured him to the tune of several hundred dollars. Here are the problems--
He will poop only on the kitchen floor. He insists his food and water be placed on the coffee table along with his blanket and Big Towel. He kicks the butts of anyone who picks him up except for me, and I have to sneak up on him. He comes when I call him and follows me around like a puppy--what is causing this strange, dog-like behavior? He butters me up to get treats, walks on my computer keyboard, and gets between me and anyone visiting as we sit on the couch. Also he leaves decapitated mice on the kitchen floor. He is blind in one eye--I cannot bear to yell at him, but why is he so mean? He seems to love me, but I suspect this is a ruse. Any advice would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Fancy-cat's servant.
***
Dear Servant,
You might be mean too if you had been inbred for years so that you had no nose and eyes that dripped constantly.
You have complained of so many supposed "problems" with your cat I
don't know where to start. Perhaps start by getting some counseling and learning
to love people & cats for who they are and quit expecting everyone &
cats to live up to such unbelievably high standards. I mean, what's wrong
with eating on the coffee table, acting like a dog to baffle your human slaves, walking
on the computer, and leaving mice all over the house? Nothing, I
say!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Your fame has spread to the southern hemisphere, and I would appreciate your expert advice. Five months ago a cat moved into my house from next door, where she was being bullied by an old white Persian. The people next door had called this cat Sambo, but I didn't think it was a good name. Apart from being non-PC, it isn't appropriate, as the cat has a very neat white bib and white paws. I decided to call her Samantha, and she didn't object. But now I'm wondering if that was a good idea. She might have seen repeats of
"Bewitched" at her previous home, and I've noticed her twitching her nose a lot recently. The white Persian went to the vet two weeks ago and never came back. Do you think another change of name would be advisable?
Yours,
Worried in New Zealand
***
Dear Worried,
It really doesn't matter. In case you have never noticed, cats don't really care about what is PC and what is not. Otherwise, we wouldn't hoist our legs and flash our nether regions for all and sundry to admire. I have heard you humans do not consider that a PC
maneuver. That Sambo book was pretty funny, says my human typing slave, and I would love to have some tiger butter. If Samantha is twitching her nose, maybe you smell
like a dog. Have you been cheating on her with those dogs again? For
shame.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My kitten lets loose everywhere. What went wrong? Is it because I have an older cat and my kitten is territorial?
Signed,
Smelly House
***
Dear Smelly,
D did that when he was a kitten. It was because I told him a scary story
about the "Underground Poo Eaters with Huge Teeth" that live in the
catbox and clean out all the finished business every so often. He was
terrified to go near it! Tee-hee...those were the days! But then he
figured out that the humans clean out the catbox and the Poo Eaters were just an
urban legend.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I think you're the feline epitome of beauty with your silky black fur and white paws. I want to lick your whiskers, you hottie!
Signed,
Tom
***
Dear Tom,
Nobody licks my whiskers but me, freakazoid. Go chase the kitty in the mirror.
Signed,
Meankitty
Hello Meankitty,
My cat, Pikatchoo, is a two year old male. The problem is living with him in the same house. It's a very small house and he is a very big cat, and I'm not tiny, either. He is a terrorist; he likes jumping on people's (even strangers, even very tall ones) head while shouting "mmmmmmiiiiiiaaaaaaaaa!" My question is: 1. who the ___ is Mia? 2. what to do to make him stop?
Thanks,
Leora & Pikatchoo
***
Dear Leora,
'Mia' is one of the ancient battle cries of the Warrior Kitties of Lorca, obviously. If jumping on noggins is Pikatchoo's attack, you are not going to be able to stop him. At least he is not wielding his powerful Thunderbolt. You could avoid walking near overhead compartments in your home and advise strangers to do the same. Here is a question for you - why are you letting very tall strangers into your house?
They throw large orange balls and break things. Perhaps you should give Pikatchoo back to Ash and then your troubles would be over.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
DEAR MEANKITTY,
HELP!! (howl) I'm a dog stuck in a kitty world (bark, woof). My owners have 9 cats inside and several more outside (whimper), almost more than my sister and I can take (whine). They eat at our food (when they have their own), drink at our water bowl, play with our toys and our tails (whimper, whine). I wouldn't mind if they didn't use their claws and attack us for no reason (whine, whine). The she human now keeps the doggie door locked (whine) because she is afraid that something will happen to her inside cats (bark?). So we have to hold it till she comes home (whine). The male human doesn't believe in locking up pets but is overpowered by the she (whine?). If he had his way the doggie door would be left open for all to use (wag, wag). Despite the rumors, cats don't taste like chicken, more like a hair ball with thorns (bark).
Love,
The DOG
***
Dear Dog,
I cannot imagine why you have written to me for advice. A dog? I don't dole out my goods for any dog. If you know what cats taste like, then you deserve to have your tail torn to ribbons. Luckily, my human typing slave is also not a big fan of dogs, although that Stupid Pink Thing might want one some day should it be misguided by the supposed appeal of puppy cuteness. While I am on the subject of the Stupid Pink Thing, let me add that it is now walking around on two legs, able to chase me at will.
It ain't so great.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I can't believe there are so many "mean" kitties. In all of my 62 (dog) years I have never had a mean
kitty. There is always a reason for bad behavior of a pet (dog). If the people in your gallery took the time to find out these (dog) reasons, they and their cats (dogs) would be much happier.
Sincerely,
Wimpy Kitty Owner
***
Dear Wimp,
Nobody ever said the the cats featured in the gallery were particularly unhappy. And if the human slaves are unhappy, it is only because they have not come to terms with the true nature of cats. We can behave in any way that we want. What a human considers bad behavior is just their own flawed perception of perfectly normal kitty action.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitties et al,
As I was browsing though the stories and pictures of the meankitties, I noticed a few of the
owners complaining that their meankitties have eaten so many birds, mice, etc. May I suggest a bell on the collar? There are many different kinds of collars available today, and you should have an ID on your kitty if they go outside. Not only will the bell help the little critters have a chance to escape kitty-mauling, but cats can pick up parasites and diseases from eating birds and mice.
Sincerely,
Arlene C., Tampa, Fl.
***
Dear Arlene,
First, instead of owners, don't you mean slaves? We kitties are the only
owners in this equation. Second, I hate my bell. I loathe my bell. It totally prevents me from creep attacks in the dark midnight hours. I often rub the break-away collar off on various protruding pieces of furniture, but my typing slave always puts it back on.
So what if the red ladybugs on the white collar look so fetching against my
silky black fur?
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
Come live with me and be
my love.
We will all the pleasures prove!
The alleys, roads, hills and fields,
woods or creepy abandoned buildings.
And we will sit upon the
rocks,
far from humans with their housecats,
beside shallow rivers, to whose falls
melodious birds fly, big and fat.
And I will make thee a
bed of newspapers
Human cats are such big fakers.
We'll live the wild life, fancy free
If you will just come live with me.
Signed,
Tom
***
Dear Tom,
Uh, Chris Marlowe is going to come back from the dead and haunt you for that crappy poem. You'd better quit stalking me or I'm going to sic D on you.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My cat keeps taking the baby's socks and ripping them up. He carries them around the house like dead mice and then drops them in his water dish. Is he a freak?
Also, how can I get him to stop this before my baby starts WEARING those socks? It is still warm outside and she has been barefoot, but the day is coming soon where the socks will be on those precious, pink little feet.
Signed,
Worried New Mommy
***
Dear Worried,
If you were carrying a pair of socks around the house in your mouth, you'd get thirsty too. Your cat just puts the "prey" in his dish when he opens his mouth to drink.
As far as stopping this behavior, I am afraid you can't, not unless you can help Sir Cottonmouth find another required activity to retain his SOHC membership. You see, we have to do strange things that confuse our humans if we wish to remain active members and receive all the benefits of membership. I myself favor playing in the bathtub accompanied by strange pirrups and yowls.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My human is pulling a dirty trick on me. He is trying to sell his old
truck, which I use for my night watching and napping and other cat activities.
So far I have had a lucky break, since the newspaper that is advertising
the truck for sale used the wrong telephone number. But the phone number
used is that of a friend of mine who has moved out of state. She tells
me that her human is getting countless phone calls, which have been interrupting
my friend's sleep and making her human really crotchety. And as
you know, dear Meankitty, crabby humans don't hand out the Treats. I
figure I can find another perch for my night watching, but I am
worried about my friend. She is a real hottie and she may be coming
back south for a visit soon. What can I do to stop Earl from selling the truck
and/or how can I get him to make the paper change the number?
Help me, Meankitty.
Earl's Pearl
***
Dear Earl's Pearl,
Hmmmmm. I think I am going to have to refer this question to an out-of-state meankitty friend of mine.
Hey Earl's Pearl,
This is Meankitty Nala, and it is MY human who is getting all those phone calls from maniacs trying to get their hands on your stupid human's truck. She had to call the paper herself to get them to change the number and she wasn't too keen on it. Luckily, she is the good kind of human to have, because the Treats have kept on coming through this truck debacle - not that I wouldn't have let her know if she had slacked off with the goodies. Anyway, I am coming down south soon, but I am not stopping of in Nowheresville to see you. I am a hottie, indeed, and much too fine for the likes of truck-hood-bottom-dwellers-kitties. You aren't even very Mean.
Signed,
Nala
Dear Meankitty,
My Sir Thomas gained a little sister a year and a half ago. He went from being a loving, very cuddly boy to a nasty tempered demon. To this day most of the time he spits and hisses at me, and he sprays anything and everything several times over. Luckily his spray has very little odor. But he seems to be obsessive-compulsive about it. I want my mild-tempered, loving, non-spraying cat back. Is there any way I can help him to like me again?
Signed,
Sandy
***
Dear Sandy,
Who wants a mild-tempered kitty? What would life be without hissing, spitting, biting and the like? For the spraying, see my advice to Rommina. You could also try feeding Sir Thomas and Little Sister lots of tuna. Just be sure to give plenty to both of them. When dirty little D came into my house, I was pretty irritated for a while, but my Human Typing Slave gave me tuna and treats in a special location away from gnoshing D so the little bugger couldn't raid my stash. That helped.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I enjoy your site a great deal and the entire feline population here thinks you rock. But I read with dismay your failure to inform the human who amputated the cat's toes at the first joint by declawing that the painful and medically unnecessary procedure may have everything to do with why he ran away. It is the ultimate betrayal ! He was rendered defenseless and mutilated and put in chronic pain. You did not tell them that because it is so painful to a cat, it has been outlawed in many European countries and more and more well-informed and compassionate American vets are refusing to do it. A declawed cat outdoors is at the mercy of dogs and many other dangers. With sticky tape, training posts, logs, catnip, carpet trees, nail covers and nail clippers there is no reason to declaw. As a staunch proponent of cat's rights, I would have thought that you, Meankitty, would have no trouble telling humans they have no right to mutilate cats. Help me understand your position, Meankitty.
Confused in Houston,
Muffin the Cranky Kitty
***
Dear Cranky Muffin,
My current position is lurking on the windowsill beside my Human Typing Slave watching the stupid Pink Thing beat on the computer printer. Pink Thing is making a lot of noise and drooling, so I am staying away. As far as declawing is concerned, I think it sucks. Besides, why should I go on a rant that makes me look like a hanky crankster when I have you to do it for me?
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My cat Nacho, is the cutest cat in the world. He loves to play & cuddle and
has been really good to me. He is the first cat I have ever owned. Lately, I
have noticed that he has been peeing in one of the corners of my living room
& I can't figure out why or how to make him stop that. Please help!!
Signed,
Rommina
***
Dear Rommina,
He might be mad because you gave him a name like Nacho. You could try putting an extra cat pan in the corner of your living room or spraying the area with Feliway or No-Go, products available from Drs. Foster and Smith or Petsmart. Or you could just learn to appreciate the fine kitty cologne that Nacho is sharing with you.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
My family and I have, so far, rescued 13 cats (with kittens). We are currently, slowly and carefully, rescuing 2 more moms with their 4 (total) kittens. Is there such a thing as too many? We are pretty sure that one of the original mama cats was the queen of a colony in our area. We believe she is sending messages to all of our subsequent rescuees. Any advice would be most welcome.
Signed,
Many Cats
***
Dear Many Cats,
Lots of cats can be lots of party; however, you shouldn't have more than you can spoil. It also depends on how big your house and yard and pocketbook are. Of course, if riding the halls on a mewing wave of felines is your thing, get some more! "Cat Lady" is an honorable human designation in the SOHC world.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
To the editor,
Your website has a certain humorus side to it but as far as any practical value
I fail to see it. All you have managed to do is add to the woes of and already
pathetical situation. You fail to mention how these animals got into thier sorry
state to begin with and what a caring person should do to help rectify the
situation.
Your's,
C. Mathers
***
Dear C. Mathers,
There are lots of other sites out there that offer practical information about cat care. There's the Humane Society of America, Care for My Cat, Purina - the list goes on and on. This is not one of those sites. Didn't you read the home page? And, hey, I might only be a cat, but I don't think pathetical is a real word.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I have a deeply psychologically disturbed, very meankitty called Benson. He's
always been strange, since he was a baby. My specific problem is that
every now and again he attacks me very forcefully with a bite and scratches on
the arm or leg. It's always out of the blue and is never the result of
anything I've done to him. Several times it's been in the middle of the night
while I've been in bed, last week it was just after he'd had a cuddle on my
knee, and a few weeks ago it was when I was opening a door to let him out.
He knows what he's doing because it's a hit and run type of attack, but he never
shows any remorse! How can I stop him from doing this?
Signed,
Annie
***
Dear Annie,
You can't. I think it's cute.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty:
After Lily died, I was left with only Nicecats: Tessa, an 11 year old Siamese,
and Thomas and Alice, who are 10-month old kittens. They all get along great,
and nobody bites me. I've taken them to the vet, and they all seem perfectly
healthy, aside from not being mean. Help!
Signed,
The Human Petting Machine
***
Dear Human Petting Machine,
Ah, ignorance is bliss! They are plotting your downfall. Just wait.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
There is this solid white cat that comes to our place & fights with our cat (that is tame). The mean kitty won't let a human near it. But, it sure likes to fight our kitty. I've said something to the neighbor who owns the white cat & all they could do is laugh. What shall I do?
Sincerely,
Heatwave@...
***
Dear Person with an Email instead of a Name,
See my advice to Pauline and Claw Marks. Get some more cats and make for a bigger fight. Or keep your tame cat inside and buy some expensive indoor adventure furniture for it. Just be sure and have open windows with screens so that your cat can fight through the mesh. What a great time that is!
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I love your website! I thought we were the only ones with a mean kitty! I will send photo/information about her soon. Can you tell me what to do to keep her from biting? We have tried everything from spraying her with a water bottle to actually biting her back!
Signed,
Diane
***
Dear Diane,
Biting, schmiting. You could try rubbing tobasco sauce or minced garlic all over and maybe your kitty won't like the taste. Of course, you might not like it either, but your comfort isn't a real goal here.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I just wanted to say thanks for making me laugh!
I had a long day
Until your meankitties
Stole my frown!
Grinning like a loon,
Allergicbutloven
***
Dear Allergic,
Oooh, kitty fan poetry! Just don't turn into a stalker or anything like Tom. I mean, Tom sounds cute and all, but sheesh! I'm so over the whole having kittens thing.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
You're beautiful. You're gorgeous. I love you. Marry me and have my kittens!
Signed,
Tom
***
Dear Tom,
I'm fixed. Sorry, dude.
Signed,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I need some advice! My cat, Flop, refuses to adjust to living with our puppy. We have had our dog, Sensi, for over two months now, and there has been NO change in how the two interact. When Sensi is in the house she is looking for the Flop, when she finds the cat she gestures to play, but the cat freaks out every time and hisses, spits and starts slamming his paws around in the air, claws bared. He is a huge cat and would do damage, but Sensi is a big puppy who is only going to get bigger as she grows up. Winter is approaching and the dog will be in the house more and more. What is the best way to force *some* level of tolerance? It's exhausting.
Any suggestions?
Helpless and Exhausted in Edmonton
***
Dear Helpless,
It's a cat's world, and dogs are just mouth breathing in it. Humans, too. My advice is to get Flop a bunch of cat trees, maybe build him some expensive, custom-made, carpeted railings and perches all over the walls high up, and he'll always have somewhere to go to get away from the smelly dog. You should also be sure and give Flop tuna any time he wants it and let him eat it without giving the dog anything so the dog always knows that you love the cat best.
That's what I would do, if I were a human.
Sincerely,
Meankitty
Dear Meankitty,
I have a 16 1/2 year old female cat that meows in the middle of the night for no reason. When I get up to check on her she is sitting on the mat in the kitchen or bathroom meowing. I think what she wants is a little food.
What to do?Sincerely,
Sleepy Human
***
Dear Sleepy,
Repeat after me. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. She has you trained relatively well but not well enough. However, since you have recited the solemn human servant vow in the original kitty-latin to become a slave to cats, now you must obey. Leave a dish of cat chow out for your poor