My human mother passed away and left me with my human sister. I tolerate my Aunt, and occasionally I even let her pet me as reward for feeding me. I leave her presents around the house to let her know I care. Just a few hairballs a day, I think it's the least I can do.

Recently my human niece came to live with us, bringing along a insipidly cute cat named Babyfred. That cat gives the rest of us a bad rep, excuse me while a cough up another hairball to emphasize how I feel about it. I mean do we really have to listen to you meow sweetly when they call your name? And what's up with the designer collar with dangly charms on it? Doesn't she know she can't grow to be the size of a house with that freaking thing on?

Girl, you have a lot to learn. Don't roll on the floor and ask for your belly to petted, cooing away like you actually enjoy it. You should hiss and bite those people! Believe me, you get better food and treatment that way. I demand respect around here, and I'm not going to let you ruin it for me. Steer clear, little kitty, I do NOT want to play with you. Don't even THINK about making eye contact. I could stare your a** down to the size of an flea. Let this be a warning to all other cats and humans who step into my castle.