If being a manipulative snob counts as being mean, I am the meanest. A human sucker found me on the streets of New York so you know I can be really mean when I need to be. Then they shipped me off to Virginia Beach where I now live with another submissive pushover of a human and I have her right where I want her.

After establishing that I was to be waited on hand and foot and that my every wish was her command, she had the gall to bring two new kitties into my house! How dare she! What a couple of losers! I will have nothing to do with them. They are mewly butt kissers. I on the other hand uphold the character of true kitties:

I DO NOT come when called. I IGNORE everyone.  I MUST have my own eating area. I NEVER associate with the cry babies that live here.

When she feeds me, if I don’t feel like eating what’s on the menu, I walk away as soon as she puts it down. Silly human thinks I will starve to death, so she keeps opening new meals until I find one I like. I want something to drink, turn on the faucet! You don’t expect me to drink from a bowl, do you?

Do I want to be petted in the middle of the night? A few taps of my paw on the human’s face does the trick, and she wakes and pets me a few times, thinking that will suffice. HA! Not on your life. Must. Have. Petting!

When I want to go out in the yard to stalk birds, who cares if I have my own kitty door to use? I want to go out the door on the other side of the house, so I sit there and wail till she comes and opens it. If she's not paying attention, sitting in her chair clacking away and staring at some square box on the table, I sit on the keyboard and her papers until she realizes I am the center of all attention. Read a book? Do a crossword puzzle? Get real. How boring when you can be stroking my luxurious fur.

That being said, if she tries to put the brush to me, I hiss and bite her. I LIKE my fur messy, it lets everyone know I am a tough mean kitty.