Clarice is loved by me alone and feared by all. She is extremely affectionate toward me, sleeps on my pillow every night, and loves to be cuddled. By me. Just me. For everyone else, she is 10 pounds of horror. She especially hates when she encounters people in the vicinity of her litter box and food bowl. A friend of mine says Clarice thinks he wants to take a dump in her litter box, and that's why she spits, hisses, and generally comes undone when he's near the box.

She once peed on a guy I was dating. I told him not to pick her up. Come to think of it, she bit another one when he made an unwanted pass at me.

Clarice's vet has written FRACTIOUS on her file in block letters in red magic marker. Two years ago she almost launched herself off the scale on to a vet tech, and she recently tried to kill another vet tech through the holes in her carrier. She can bite through the heavy leather gloves and must be gassed for the simplest veterinary procedure. Half an hour after she gets home, she goes back to being super sweet.

She does not tolerate drinking and will check my breath if I come home late at night. I call her Temperance Kitty. If she smells alcohol, she goes into a rage, and I have to hide. I have been known to forgo a glass of wine with dinner to avoid a scene at home.