If only I had known. I would
have gotten a plant instead. I found a helpless little
ball of orange fluff in a parking lot in Dallas in 1988.
I took it in and fell in love with it, hiding it in my
crappy ghetto apartment, avoiding the pet deposit on
that roach motel. All these years later, Boo is a
screaming, pissing, door-knocking at all hours,
seventeen year old Bitch Royale De Luxe Orange Pussy: a
special breed, of which there can be only one.
You see, she is the cat
equivalent of the devil.
She practices blood
curdling shrieking techniques and howls mournfully and
bangs the bedroom door at regular intervals throughout
the night. She cannot be let in, without whizzing a
puddle in the corner; therefore, she cannot be let in.
She sleeps all day, gathering strength for the night's
campaign of terror. She's sleeping on top of the monitor
as I type this, looking innocent and cute, thinking
mayhem and human sleep deprivation.
We had to purchase a
large dog kennel for her to stay in when she has a
particularly crabby moment, or day. She once took the
other cat's favorite toy, a fluffy piece of bunny fur,
and placed it in the center of a fresh pile of pooh she
had conveniently deposited in the mosaic doorway of our
bedroom floor. She had been hoping Ray's huge lumberjack
boots would squish the pooh into the crevices of the
tile mosaic, thus nailing both humans and the sweet
black kitty in the same act of war.
She is the reason we have
wood floors now. She is the reason there is an ugly dog
kennel in my living room. She is the reason we take
turns sleeping on the couch so that she will have some
company and not feel completely ostracized from the
family, though it only makes her slightly less of a
bitch, and is only really effective if I do it. She is
the reason I've spent thousands of dollars on veterinary
care and kitty products. She's the reason I'm going to
buy some($&^@ kitty Prozac this month. We are going back
to the vet to demand some chemical relief for her
suffering and ours. It will probably cost as much as a
car payment.
She probably hears voices
in her head--"Meow. Mrrrrrooowwww! Never let the humans
sleep! Meow! Meow! Poop on Everything! Meow! Meowwwwwww!!!"
