My name is Bailey and my humans call me Bailey Monster. Don't try to sit on the couch, put your feet up and relax.  I will be there to knead your belly until it hurts.  I will do this no matter what you are doing.  I will shove a laptop or plate of food out of my way.  It just makes me so happy to knead your soft, doughy belly.  When I am doing my evil deed and really start feeling good, I close my eyes, purr, and turn my face up to the sky.  As if I am saying, "Ahhh, my doughy, precious human"!

Don't try to lay down on the couch or the bed.  I will be there to knead your chest or side or whatever I can climb on.  Then I will fall asleep laying on top and be really annoyed if you want to change position or roll over.

When I am tired of kneading you, I lay on the couch next to you and kick you with my back legs.  Then I pass really horrible gas, so you have to get up and leave. Ha Ha!

I will act all lovable, but if you try to hold me or cuddle me, my eyes get really big, my body gets stiff and I panic!  Then, 10 seconds later, I come back to force myself on your belly.  All affection must be on my terms only. Speaking of my eyes, I generate eye boogers that I wipe on anything white in the house.  Walls, sheets, quilts, pillows, myself, you, whatever will do. My eye boogers are nice and brown so they stain. Ha! Ha!  You should see my slaves try to clean up those eye boogers. 

Sometimes I get high on catnip and then I get aggressive.  I chase my brothers and beat them up and cuss them out.

I cry and whine constantly because I have learned that this is how to get my way.  The only way to make me stop crying is to pet me.  But don't pick me up! 

Now lay down human and let me have my way with your belly!